As of late I’ve occasionally been having trouble with my sleeping and dreaming. Oh I’ve been dreaming but when I awake I can’t remember them. One goes with the other. My mind is engaged before I awake.
My mind wakes me between 4 and 5am. My mind has been up ahead of me making my body uncomfortable and impatiently waiting for me to wake up. It sole intent is to nag me out of bed to wrestle with a full litany of problems to solve.
I can hear it now.
“How in the hell can you sleep when I have so many things to resolve?
If our life depended on you we would have been wiped out long ago.
C’mon kid get your sorry ass out of bed. I’m dying here.”
As I make it down the hall to the kitchen and a cup of coffee I take cover in a conversation with my HP, and the Serenity Prayer.
My mind is persistent but I shove back. “No damn it. I don’t want to go there. Any discussion with you about your oldest daughter’s year long drought of unemployment, inadequate insurance and what’s going to happen to her is useless.”
While I’m at it, were not going discuss my youngest daughter’s dilemma. I realize she is 51 and also no longer able to manage the most elementary tasks of daily living. I know my wife and I can’t handle the day-in and day-out care for her. You’re right we don’t have the foggiest idea what the solution is for her.
I’m starting to get totally hooked. My mind has forced its foot into the door. If the Serenity Prayer and 24HAD reading doesn’t click in I’m dead. I’ll be taken captive with “What ifs, why nots, could bees and ought to bees.”
I'm also aware the twin demons of guilt and shame are warming up in the wings to raise their ugly heads. They always attack with teeth bared and sharp tongues. “Why can’t you do more and what is it about you that you’re not able to do more?”
After several more “God grant me(s)… and “turning my life over to my HP” the mind talk drifts off to the shallow end of the pool. Peace is restored.
I'm grateful. I have all I need or could possibly want today, thanks to you all.
Jim
Playing with Anxiety
8 months ago
glad you found your peace...i have had many a night like that...there are many things we can not change, or fix, and getting ourselves to realise that can be quite th trick...
ReplyDeleteWhat a grand way to start a day, Serenity Prayer, and the 24-Hour book. (And maybe a beautiful sunrise!)
ReplyDeleteOur children never stop being our children, I guess. But there is a time we have no more physical strength to give, but loads of our spiritual strength. No guilt, no remorse, no shame left--that's called "past".
And you Jim, and I, have found a peace today, each day, which will let us be US.
oh jim, this is perfection, an candid look into your daily struggles! i understand completely what you've presented here and i found myself relived as you surrendered to the truths you know, "God grant me the serenity..."
ReplyDeletejust this morning i reached out with the same grasping need, having to be assured that i can only do 'my part'...
your work was not only transparent but fascinating, and very well written!
i too have been victim of that nasty little committee of late. It comes and goes. Thank God there's God. ok wait, now that's just plain confusing :-)
ReplyDeleteI've had those times of my mind being engaged before I awake. Nasty. I either have to talk it out with someone (including my HP) or journal in order to quiet that committee in my head.
ReplyDelete