Fear

Up at 4:30a the other morning. Thank God the weather had changed from teens to near forty. The order from the doctor said. "no food or drink after midnight." It's almost inhuman to wake up an start the day without coffee. Had to hurry to be at the surgery center by 6:00a.

Now I'm old enough to know that they always have you arrive early. Having to retain some control I it was impossible for me to do anything other than arrive at exactly 6; actually it was 6:01 when I signed in. Even though I "just had to"arrive at the ordered time I brought a book to serve as my security blanket; one I knew I wouldn't be able to finish in a day of waiting.

As the little hand on the clock approached eight and the big hand the 12 I began to lose it. I could only sooth my fright of needles and IVs for so long. I no longer could focus on my reading and even the Serenity prayer began to show wear and tare . Meditation in the pass has always worked but to close my eyes and attempt to meditate would only allow my mind to conjure up all kinds of scary thoughts and fears.

Finally my name came up. I was ushered into the "prep room". The "prep' was not pretty. The nurse could not find any plump veins to, as they say "stick me" . Three nurses and several "near sticks" later this grown man, nearly in tears finally sighed relief. The ensuing "op" was a piece of cake, since I had no choice but let them put me "under."

The crazy thing about the surgery is that I absolutely did not feel any pain nor any other sensation. Yet all the while I could hear what they were saying. For the op to be successful they needed me responsive to cooperate with their directions.

For the next twenty four hours I had to wear a "patch", it was clear plastic but with all the tape and "goop" in my eye everything appeared to be hazy as if in a fog. The following day the doctor removed the patch and my vision (abet in still a bit of a haze) was better than before the operation. With each passing twenty-four hours I can see now farther and clearer. A miracle.

In retrospect the eye operation was like so many other things in my life that I have to face to grow and get healthier. I commit to an "operation", taking a leap of faith, knowing that I will reach a new and healthier plateau. I get impatient with the process and God's timing. My fear of how it will hurt; having to give up control ; to surrender to a higher power and follow directions is almost unbearable.

But I can always fall back on having talked to friends I could trust tell me. "I was scared not only of the pain but what if something went wrong or the operation didn't work. I need not have worried the worst pain I felt was the fear of the unknown and my own fear of pain ....and I did that to myself. You can trust me I've been there, I don't know how it works but I can now see things that I never could see before."
I also continue to keep on praying.

JF