Asking for Help

Woke up this morning feeling like a new man. The weather forecast called for a warming trend, always great for me because it can't get hot enough for me. That's why I moved from Illinois via Michigan and Ohio to Tennessee. I always felt like I was born in the wrong temperature zone.

When I'm out running in mid-day in 100 degree sunshine the neighbors all think I'm out of my gourd. I need heat and sunlight for all the "parts"to function, to move, to smile and to feel optimistic. Cold and dark have the opposite effect on me.

I've said all that to come to the point. When I'm "into my damped down days" I "pull back and isolate". Since I have become an expert on pulling back and isolating I can do so without others, and most importantly myself, nailing me on it.

My first warning sign of relapsing into isolation is my neglecting to update a current weekly schedule. It generally starts out with: "cutting back" or "putting off till later"meditation and prayer time; I'll catch a meeting tomorrow; I'll call him later; its too cold to run, exercise or go to the "Y"." In other words putting all the core things for my sobriety on the back burner or canceling them all together.

Cheating on the core activities"action" in my life contaminates the whole of my life. My life feels like I'm running in slow motion without any purpose. I neglect my relationships, my life is backed up in things not done and things to do. My life takes on all the trappings of being unmanageable and when it becomes overwhelming I'm in deep do-do.

The insidious part of it all is that it's so evident. Being the master of denial and rationalization and procrastination that I am I can bullshit myself into believing I'm handling everything as best I can. I'm on top of it and yes I'll start doing it differently tomorrow.

Thank God I can start today, this very minute, by surrendering and yes, lordy-lordy the hardest thing to do, asking for help.

And to make out and follow through with a balanced recovery schedule.

JF