Thank God for This Mess.

Over heard from a newcomer. "I'm confused, my mind is racing and won't quit. I don't understand this program. It's all a whirl."

As I Thought about my first several weeks in the program, I found myself happy for the man.
"He's into the solution." He into this "mess" called change.

I recalled. My sponsor Johnny strongly suggested that, "If everything else fails, live like you're the only Big Book somebody might read." It ticked me off. Easy for him to say. He had over seven years of sobriety. Me I had only a few weeks. He didn't have all the problems I had. Besides everybody was out to get me. He suggested if I had trouble figuring out the right thing to do that I was to do the complete opposite from what I was thinking. He also reminded me that my best thinking got me here.

He was a good teacher. He(#2) like Billy(#1) my other sponsor, yes it took two of them plus Lee(#3) to lift me out of my self-made gutter. Their "suggestions" always ticked me off a bit. My reaction usually came in the form of, "I'll show the old SOBs."

Actually I owe my life to them, they had me figured right. They suggested that I start to practice applying the steps each day. They were very explicit, I was not to analyze them, I was simply to take them at face value. Like a novice tennis player, practice getting the ball over the net we'll work on form later. To start they gave me a small card with the 12 Steps on one side and the Serenity Prayer one the other.

They phrased it that simply. They knew how confused I would be for the first several weeks. They knew that the angry insidious voices of my addiction would be blasting in my ear refusing to let me listen to the sane voice of sobriety.

My chances of making it through the day let alone the next hour were slim to none if: I had to stop and think about admitting my powerlessness; submiting to my disbelief that anything could change or that my will alone could handle any situation

I was not to think about taking others' inventory but take to my own inventory: not isolate but call my sponsor: take time to pray and be quiet; start the amends by "simply " attempting to be a father and a husband: to admit when I was wrong: take an inventory at the end of the day and to not say no to helping others.

Like it says, everything had to change. It's a tall order but thankfully I had all three of the guys to follow. They were my role models (later hero's), and my hope. At first I would snarl "If they could make, damn it I can too", and "what would the three of them do." I want to clarify that I did not put them on a pedestal. Actually it was their imperfection that gave (continues to this day) me hope.

So "Thank God for the confusion cause it means I'm in the solution."
JF