As of late I’ve occasionally been having trouble with my sleeping and dreaming. Oh I’ve been dreaming but when I awake I can’t remember them. One goes with the other. My mind is engaged before I awake.
My mind wakes me between 4 and 5am. My mind has been up ahead of me making my body uncomfortable and impatiently waiting for me to wake up. It sole intent is to nag me out of bed to wrestle with a full litany of problems to solve.
I can hear it now.
“How in the hell can you sleep when I have so many things to resolve?
If our life depended on you we would have been wiped out long ago.
C’mon kid get your sorry ass out of bed. I’m dying here.”
As I make it down the hall to the kitchen and a cup of coffee I take cover in a conversation with my HP, and the Serenity Prayer.
My mind is persistent but I shove back. “No damn it. I don’t want to go there. Any discussion with you about your oldest daughter’s year long drought of unemployment, inadequate insurance and what’s going to happen to her is useless.”
While I’m at it, were not going discuss my youngest daughter’s dilemma. I realize she is 51 and also no longer able to manage the most elementary tasks of daily living. I know my wife and I can’t handle the day-in and day-out care for her. You’re right we don’t have the foggiest idea what the solution is for her.
I’m starting to get totally hooked. My mind has forced its foot into the door. If the Serenity Prayer and 24HAD reading doesn’t click in I’m dead. I’ll be taken captive with “What ifs, why nots, could bees and ought to bees.”
I'm also aware the twin demons of guilt and shame are warming up in the wings to raise their ugly heads. They always attack with teeth bared and sharp tongues. “Why can’t you do more and what is it about you that you’re not able to do more?”
After several more “God grant me(s)… and “turning my life over to my HP” the mind talk drifts off to the shallow end of the pool. Peace is restored.
I'm grateful. I have all I need or could possibly want today, thanks to you all.
Jim
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Nosey----Flash Friday
What are you thinking?
Why do you ask? You nosey?
Nosey?
What’s wrong with that?
What about you?
You nosey?
Me, why do you say that?
How would I know?
Don’t know?
Me, really? Nosey?
Who else?
Yes, why not?
Rather just talk?
What’s to talk about?
Don’t know?
Sex life?
See what I mean?
Jim
Why do you ask? You nosey?
Nosey?
What’s wrong with that?
What about you?
You nosey?
Me, why do you say that?
How would I know?
Don’t know?
Me, really? Nosey?
Who else?
Yes, why not?
Rather just talk?
What’s to talk about?
Don’t know?
Sex life?
See what I mean?
Jim
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thanks
On this day, May 13 in the margin of my 24HAD book I had written two notes; great reminders.
The one in the left hand margin read BR 1964. All of the letters were crude heavy block and slanted backward.
The other at the top of the page read Psych Test Chicago 1977. All the letters were finer lighter print and slanted forward.
The backward slanted letters; pessimistic downers.
On the BR 64 date I felt like I was licking the bottom of the barrel. Every material thing was taken from us, home, cars, trucks even the washer and dryer. My ego as well as my mind were also in the mix someplace.
The forward slanted letters; optimistic, uppers.
On the PTC 77 date I was sitting in a Psychologist office taking a four hour Psych test for a great job that would prove to not only provide a good living but a good retirement.
In addition to the obvious it’s also ironic that on the 64 date a Psych test would have judged me a good candidate for the funny farm.
What would you note? Me? On this date 2010 I have noted in larger happier print. THANKS HP for both 64 & 77!
Started this the 13th
Have a good day
Jim
The one in the left hand margin read BR 1964. All of the letters were crude heavy block and slanted backward.
The other at the top of the page read Psych Test Chicago 1977. All the letters were finer lighter print and slanted forward.
The backward slanted letters; pessimistic downers.
On the BR 64 date I felt like I was licking the bottom of the barrel. Every material thing was taken from us, home, cars, trucks even the washer and dryer. My ego as well as my mind were also in the mix someplace.
The forward slanted letters; optimistic, uppers.
On the PTC 77 date I was sitting in a Psychologist office taking a four hour Psych test for a great job that would prove to not only provide a good living but a good retirement.
In addition to the obvious it’s also ironic that on the 64 date a Psych test would have judged me a good candidate for the funny farm.
What would you note? Me? On this date 2010 I have noted in larger happier print. THANKS HP for both 64 & 77!
Started this the 13th
Have a good day
Jim
Friday, May 14, 2010
That Thing With Your Fingers--55 Friday
What are you doing?
What?
That thing with your fingers.
Doesn’t it strike you as odd?
No.
Others do it.
Could be doing something else.
I am
No you’re not.
Yes I am.
What?
Talking to myself.
You listen?
Not always.
Why then?
Others read it.
Why?
Cause it’s Friday.
And
Might get a chuckle.
Jim
What?
That thing with your fingers.
Doesn’t it strike you as odd?
No.
Others do it.
Could be doing something else.
I am
No you’re not.
Yes I am.
What?
Talking to myself.
You listen?
Not always.
Why then?
Others read it.
Why?
Cause it’s Friday.
And
Might get a chuckle.
Jim
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Service & Fellowship
Had a dream the night before last wherein I dreamed not of LIl' Abner but of Shmoon((plural of Shmoo). Lots of them running around happy as larks.
Me, I was busy collecting bronze coins and placing them in a tin box. Next to the tin box was another "box" overflowing with play things.
The Shmoo the creation of Al Capp first appeared in the comic strip Lil’Abner in August 1948.
The Shmoo believed that the only way to happiness was to bring happiness to others.
The Shmoo was a lovable animal. They existed to delight people.
Lil’ Abner discovered Shmoon when he ventured into the forbidden Valley of the Shmoon, against the frantic protestations of Ol' Man Mose.
Shmoos," he warned, "is the greatest menace to hoomanity th' world has evah known."
"Thass becuz they is so bad, huh?" asked Li'l Abner.
"No, stupid," answered Mose, hurling one of life's profoundest paradoxes at Lil' Abner. "It's because they're so good!"
Seen at first as a boon to humankind, they were ultimately hunted down and exterminated to preserve the status quo.
Thought extinct after the 1948 adventure, one Shmoo always seemed to escape to form a new colony.
As my dream it holds special meaning, hope the same is true for you Shmoon also.
Jim
Monday, May 10, 2010
Promises, True Love
Hi everybody. Before this gets to sound like a Christmas card letter I want to post a belated Mother’s Day acknowledgment of the mothers in our family.
I want to honor the women in my family. They have been the heart and the backbone of three generations of mending the wounds of alcoholism in themselves, their spouses and their children.
From great grandmother to grandmother to mothers they have mothered their families with a love that is tough though true, compassionate and nurturing. They have been the wind under our wings.
They have been instrumental in intervening on an old family tradition. We are blessed.
I am especially blessed with such a wife, who lived through nine years of my drinking and was instrumental in my making the first call. When asked how she put up with my behavior she would reply. “With Jim I have five children; I’m counting on the other four growing up.”
. **
What a week! Actually it started in Nashville the prior weekend with all the rain and flooding and ended in Nashville with grand-parents day at great grandson/ daughter’s school and mother’s day celebrations on this past weekend.
The bad news.
Nashville really got it. Disaster? Sounds a little heavy until you visit the city. Water rationing, church parking lots full of Red Cross Emergency Disaster Equipment and the homes and buildings destroyed. Perhaps the saddest was the home owners carting their water soaked ruined furnishings and personal things out to the curb for disposal.
The good news.
Each of the children’s households although touched in some way by all the water, nothing was serious.
The great grands had parts in the “Fifties Revue” musical put on by all the students K thru Fourth Grade for grand-parents day. It was hilarious.
With everyone intact we spent the rest of the weekend grateful for sobriety.
Thank you God, AA, Alanon and all the rest of you for it all.
What’s that answer when asked, how am I doing?
“Better than I deserve.”
Jim
I want to honor the women in my family. They have been the heart and the backbone of three generations of mending the wounds of alcoholism in themselves, their spouses and their children.
From great grandmother to grandmother to mothers they have mothered their families with a love that is tough though true, compassionate and nurturing. They have been the wind under our wings.
They have been instrumental in intervening on an old family tradition. We are blessed.
I am especially blessed with such a wife, who lived through nine years of my drinking and was instrumental in my making the first call. When asked how she put up with my behavior she would reply. “With Jim I have five children; I’m counting on the other four growing up.”
. **
What a week! Actually it started in Nashville the prior weekend with all the rain and flooding and ended in Nashville with grand-parents day at great grandson/ daughter’s school and mother’s day celebrations on this past weekend.
The bad news.
Nashville really got it. Disaster? Sounds a little heavy until you visit the city. Water rationing, church parking lots full of Red Cross Emergency Disaster Equipment and the homes and buildings destroyed. Perhaps the saddest was the home owners carting their water soaked ruined furnishings and personal things out to the curb for disposal.
The good news.
Each of the children’s households although touched in some way by all the water, nothing was serious.
The great grands had parts in the “Fifties Revue” musical put on by all the students K thru Fourth Grade for grand-parents day. It was hilarious.
With everyone intact we spent the rest of the weekend grateful for sobriety.
Thank you God, AA, Alanon and all the rest of you for it all.
What’s that answer when asked, how am I doing?
“Better than I deserve.”
Jim
Sunday, May 9, 2010
This New Way of Life.
Read this poem by John O’Donohue in quiet time yesterday. I think it speaks to all of us whether we are new or have many years in this new way of life.
It certainly says it all for me. “…and for this I am grateful.”
Now is the time to free the heart,
Let all intentions and worries stop,
Free the joy inside the self,
Awaken to the wonder of your life.
Open your eyes and see the friends
Whose hearts recognize your face as kin,
Those whose kindness watchful and near,
Encourages you to live everything here.
See the gifts the years have given,
Things your effort could never earn,
The health to enjoy who you want to be
And the mind to mirror mystery.
Jim
It certainly says it all for me. “…and for this I am grateful.”
Now is the time to free the heart,
Let all intentions and worries stop,
Free the joy inside the self,
Awaken to the wonder of your life.
Open your eyes and see the friends
Whose hearts recognize your face as kin,
Those whose kindness watchful and near,
Encourages you to live everything here.
See the gifts the years have given,
Things your effort could never earn,
The health to enjoy who you want to be
And the mind to mirror mystery.
Jim
Thursday, May 6, 2010
God Like a Used Car
I was at a turning point in my life; I was about to lose everything. I had to admit I was alcoholic, that my life was unmanageable. Out of options I sought help. The man I talked to suggested that I join them in AA and reach out to the God of my understanding for help.
I was no longer convinced there was a God. He suggested that I pray. ”God if there is a God help me.” "Try it, put Him to the test. It doesn't matter what you believe,it'll work." So I did, God did, I became convinced.
Later when I did lose everything including the cars I had to settle on buying my first used car. I put the purchasing of the car to test.
I was desperate,
You were a last resort.
Why else would I
turn to you?
They said
You were reliable
could be trusted.
You would help.
Not fully convinced
I closed my eyes,
threw caution to the wind,
opened the door
stepped in.
Behind the wheel
I turned the key,
shifted gears
and drove off.
To me, you were
just another used car
I tested you,
kicked your tires
tested your handling
on open road and
down congested streets.
I found you to be like no other
No rattles, no shakes
unswerving, balanced and
aligned.
Your timing perfect,
you purred
like a kitten in cruise
and roared
like a lion with petal to the metal.
Devoid of faith
I bought You
bumper to bumper
simply by trusting
others and
praying,
If this is the
One let it be the One.
Need a used car?
Come, take a test drive.
Trust us,
you’ll find the One for you.
JIm
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Texting - What Next, Sky Diving?
Shamed into it other day, both my wife and I.
It all started weeks before as a result of our bitching about being the last to hear any news from our daughters and granddaughters. All Blackberry-ed up.
We stood our ground. I stated the argument against, my wife chimed in.
“No, we do email, have latest phones, I’ve started a blog, you’ve caved and joined Facebook. Not going to add another hazard to our highways”
“No, there’s a limit. Why do we have to text?”
” I remember when we only had a party-line when I was growing up.”
“Right and we kids could only stay on the line for 2 minutes or less and had to ask permission from mom or dad.”
If we stayed on longer we would hear from the other room.
“Your two minutes are up. Off. Say goodbye.”
The clincher came as a result of not hearing any news from the hospital about a friend of ours. His wife, a black-belt Blackberry wielder had kept all our other friends up to date texting, one text fit all, as she sat and waited outside the operating room.
When my wife finally reached her, my wife apologized noting that she had called several times but “You were probably too busy to return my calls.”
Tired and drained from the ordeal with the hospital and her husband’s operation she blurted out to my wife.
“when are you two going to hook up to the new millennium? I’ve texted everybody.
Get with it.”
“All right, all right all ready, we get it.”
Stop laughing.
A couple hours later, smug smiles on our faces we thanked the sales rep (as we would a pilot when deplaning) for helping us take another giant step (for us) into cellular space.
Jim
It all started weeks before as a result of our bitching about being the last to hear any news from our daughters and granddaughters. All Blackberry-ed up.
We stood our ground. I stated the argument against, my wife chimed in.
“No, we do email, have latest phones, I’ve started a blog, you’ve caved and joined Facebook. Not going to add another hazard to our highways”
“No, there’s a limit. Why do we have to text?”
” I remember when we only had a party-line when I was growing up.”
“Right and we kids could only stay on the line for 2 minutes or less and had to ask permission from mom or dad.”
If we stayed on longer we would hear from the other room.
“Your two minutes are up. Off. Say goodbye.”
The clincher came as a result of not hearing any news from the hospital about a friend of ours. His wife, a black-belt Blackberry wielder had kept all our other friends up to date texting, one text fit all, as she sat and waited outside the operating room.
When my wife finally reached her, my wife apologized noting that she had called several times but “You were probably too busy to return my calls.”
Tired and drained from the ordeal with the hospital and her husband’s operation she blurted out to my wife.
“when are you two going to hook up to the new millennium? I’ve texted everybody.
Get with it.”
“All right, all right all ready, we get it.”
Stop laughing.
A couple hours later, smug smiles on our faces we thanked the sales rep (as we would a pilot when deplaning) for helping us take another giant step (for us) into cellular space.
Jim
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